woah... its been so long. betcha no one comes here anymore, which is gd. u know how working ppl always say students shud enjoy sch and all... i understand how they feel. work's bad. its monotonous, humourless and individualistic. the lack of interaction is prob wat i hate most. sux to bits. i wanna go watch love actually... would anyone wanna go with me? i wanna run off to some beautiful beach and stay there for the rest of my life. watching the discovery travel channel gives me weird ideas. or rather far-fetched ones. i wanna do so many things tt sometimes i mite not realli wanna do. and i'm not making sense though i think i am. so i shall stop. =)

haven't talked bout my day or the past day in a very long while so i shall. yesterday was a very fun guyz day/nite out. i'm prob gonna get shot for saying something like this, but sometimes its just better w/o girls. less complicated, brainless guy fun. i know i've prob said this b4 but i shall say this again. miss the s4 days. like mad. more often than not recently. k. i think i shall stop talking b4 i get into real trouble. watz up with me today?

mediocrity is a lonely place.

is it realli? that quote has stuck in my head for quite awhile. i feel like writing a gp essay on it. wat realli is mediocrity? is it more lonely or sad? i think i'm losing my mind. u would like tt wouldn't u? so would i. =P

dreams. intriguing things they are. wat do they actually mean? a representation of ur subconscious some ppl say. but wat exactly? its weird when u dream all the weirdest things. *doh* oops. not a smart comment there. hmm.. will talk more bout dreams when i gather my thoughts.

btw, got friendster alreadi and can't realli be bothered to go add ppl at the moment. so if ur interested, just add me. ceh245@yahoo.co.uk if u din alreadi know.

american beauty is realli beautiful. schs ending soon and i'm kinda glad. sometimes, i get so exasperated at trying. but i know tt i just have to take a step back and soon, i'll be fine in no time. raring to go yet again. i realise my first comment was rather out of pt but well. going to dl many movies and watch them. wat am i doing? think i'm losing the plot for having a blog. hmmz.

no man stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.

talents. we all have them. even though we may think so poorly bout ourselves (perhaps under the fallacious impression of humility), we have them. and we must utilise them. for what purpose and activity all depends on the individual but deep down inside, we know we must use it. if not, how then can we justify possessing that god-given talent?

heard 2 wonderful songs today... think i've found the second one but the first one (the one i realli wanna find) has something bout mary crying... or something. damn. if anyone has any inkling wat the song may be or was at the poetry-reading, pls tell me.

after every exam, i tell myself that i should work harder and not disappoint others and myself. but every time, i disappoint myself all the same. itz time... i've told myself time and time again to change for the better. and this time, i'm determined to put my all into the things tt i want to achieve. and grades for once, will be one thing on tt list. even as i say this, i must stress my philosophy (sounds weird, who cares). dun stress urself unduly over studying. if u do so, u wun enjoy it and watz the pt in doing tt? to me at least. owells, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. and undoubtedly, very few ppl live in similar bubbles as i do. sighz. so sad.

dun u think song should be part of lit? i'm starting to wonder bout it. we talk about tone in poetry so y can't we in song? a song may or may not have a structure. sure, there are trashy songs out there with meaningless lyrics but there are pop books too. if any of my u become a lit teacher or moe nonsense, i'll persuade u to change lit to include song.

have u ever looked at urself in the mirror? well, u should. cos only then can u see the imperfections in u and the perfection in Him.

this is like super late but its quite a gd feeling to win something. for all those who dun alreadi know, rj soccer beat vj soccer 3-0 at vj. heh. felt quite gd to win. hopefully, we'll feel that more in the future.

promos... so far b, d, d and lit doesn't look to gd. hopefully, i'll be able to do maths s. but if not, i dun mind. promos are the last thing on my mind now and forever. heh. now, is time to enjoy life. thinking bout buying a nice (read: expensive) semi-acoustic to pamper myself. will def have to give it some thought. i think i shall.

your little girl got dealt a bad hand, so did u. Boomtown

how unappreciative are we of our wonderful lives. ttz wat they... truly wonderful. we moan and groan at the senseless mindless mugging for promos. we curse and swear when we get... diao-ed. my pt is.. as is always the case (=P), y so unhappy? u know those oft irritating reminders that it takes like <10 muscles to smile and >20 muscles to frown. so do it. i was actually gonna blog earlier to complain bout studying for promos, bout how tired i am, bout how i dun feel refreshing effects of taking a bath. but i took another bath not too long ago, and as the cold water ____ my skin (can't find the word, bleah), i found my second wind. the one i've been looking for so long for. the one tt we all need from time to time to give new purpose to our ever-changing lives. hope u find ur second wind. dun worry, it wun be too long till my next post.

[bran] sorry man! wazzup? itz been so long since we've talked largely due to the fact tt i haven't been on icq/msn for like... months? catch up soon ya...

wat am i doing online at this god-forsaken hour? pw. yes, how sad. the only time i come to blog in more than a week is to curse and swear at pw. its sad tt i'm gonna get screwy marks for my pw. the words of simple plan's perfect are simple but kinda apt at times like these. when ur not perfect enough for certain ppl. pathetic radio deejays are... sad. i'm... not as happy as i normally am.

i dun wanna waste space and time by posting out the lyrics here cos i know most ppl dun pay attention to a whole chunk of lyrics so here goes. go listen to stacie orrico's without love.

If I speak in the tongues of angels, but have not love
I'm only a resounding noise
If I have the gift of knowledge
And if my faith moves mountains high
But have not love I am nothing

i'm stuck rite in the middle of the hurricane. everything's whirling around me but yet, i'm still so much a part of it all. trying hard to understand watz going on, trying to make sense of things which change in the blink of an eye, trying to reconcile two sides which seem for the moment polarised. to some, i may seem hopeless, or even naive. cute's the more common word. but i'm confident that i'll emerge from this whirlwind unscathed. not only tt, but more knowledgeable and stronger. for my head, my eyes are fixated on u. u up there, are my inspiration and nothing... absolutely nothing will stand in my way. for one day, i'll find my way... to u.

i'm sorry i can't be perfect...
but i'll try.

i am the perennial sickboy. in truth, i am. perhaps the double shot espresso did the trick, perhaps the flu passing around the class... or perhaps its just me. well, i surely do hope the throbbing in my head goes away for 'o the better sir, for he that drinks all nite and is hanged betimes in the morning, may sleep the sounder all the next day' beckons me the morrow. wat great casting by my class. kudos to u lot. get ready chiam. heh.

had an interesting discussion today with several people. one comment that i made was that watz true in science is only so because it hasn't been proven wrong. rite? then, i got carried away sharing my personal views bout... everything. lol. but it was gd. been having quite a few personal conversations with various people recently. its great. for clarity... for diversity of opinions... for support... for lotsa things. been telling lotsa ppl wat i feel bout lotsa things and well, if u wanna know, ask me. just be prepared to be occupied for awhile. =p

this is bad. my comp's full of sad soppy songs which i normally love but late at nite it just makes the mood all wrong for mugging. i mean reading bout how some guy unifies italy or watever doesn't realli go with elva singing a realli nice ballad. i realise i shud blog more often. to satisfy all u peeps (ha chiam and tan) out there who read my blog. ppl who grow more beautiful each time u see them are just captivating. and now itz dreamz fm. i shud go get some radiohead to go bore me out of my wits. and y am i a pox? i dun understand...

this time, wat i want is u
there is no one else
who can take ur place...
take me away
take me away
i've got nothing left to say
just take me away

to any place... anywhere. just with u.

after an interview of a catholic priest, i waited outside the church for my father to come. i walked across the road so i could get a better view of the oncoming cars to see when my father would arrive and as luck would have it, a cute dog was in the bungalow along the road. he growled at me and i thot he wanted to play growl so i growled back. well, as luck would have it, he progressively got more aggressive and growled as if he wanted to eat me. suddenly, his eyes glazed orange and he started barking his not-so-small-anymore head off. i was scared (almost outta my wits). he realli seemed like he wanted to bite my head off and the more he barked, the rest of the dogs in the neighbourhood joined along. wth.

and i'm never going to try logging on anymore. aardwolf was a fun part of my life for a gd 1-2 years but its over so let it be. yeah, muds are too much of a waste of time and effort. too bad i din know u guyz when we were all still playing but at least i know u guyz now so... =)

just watched everwood, a new show on ch5. i kinda liked it cos of the issues it discusses and its characters. i realised wat show it uncannily resembles... providence. i like WB shows. popular, providence (was it?), gilmore girls... now this. they also produce smallville and charmed. heh. wat an irony. 2 shows that appeal to the masses and the rest.. which are realli witty/thought-provoking. or maybe its just me. i like shows tt deal with family problems... i wonder y. maybe i know the reason... but even so, i would nvr say so. anyway, go watch it if u can. sundays at 6... and for guys out there, emily vancamp's quite chio. =P lol.

when was the lantern festival? well, i celebrated it tonight, with my loveable sis. at the playground, eating apples, playing pretend, and singing songs and dancing. when i first walked into the lift on the way down, i saw myself in the mirror... carrying a lantern. =P as we were playing pretend, there was a game when we took turns to get off the 'ship' into another country and the other person would miss whoever got off. i knew then, tt i would def miss my sis. how could i not? the heavenly innocence, the fake accent (for some reason, she's picked up an unidentifiable accent), just about everything u can like bout a 5 yr old. then, she sang and danced for me... inside my heart, there's a place for u always and forever always and forever

k... i shall stop gushing bout my sis... and stop saying lol in real life cos it sounds realli off. for some weird reason, there's no full moon these past few days. maybe he misses the sun.

i hate myself everyday at least once... when i talk back to my parents or disobey them. its always the little things tt they do tt piss u off while u can forgive the whole world for killing u. the teenage years are the worst for every parent. while still a kid, i used to play with my parents alot. scrabble, boggle, pacman... then, i alreadi knew my overwhelming desire to win at everything and of cos i would. they never gave way, forcing me to fight for every victory. and i thank them for tt, made me grow i believe.
i used to severely dislike (read: hate) my sis. either jealousy or watever, i detested her singing to radio songs, bullied her to do my chores... ... but one day, somebody's comments brought me round. and now, i'm starting to appreciate her more and more. furthermore, there's another sis for me to look after now. i wanna do so much for her... but not too much.

dunno y i wrote this... must be the time... or... something. but the pt is, treasure ur family cos blood is truly thicker than water.

some ppl just have the ability to express thoughts in words. their words flow like... i can't describe it. lol. ttz why i suck with words. mite have something to do with my pathetic english too. and others have a great voice when u wish they would never stop talking/singing for it sounds like heavenly music. and there are those select few... those precious few that can combine both and u wish... u know dun u.
sometimes i wonder if i live too many lifes... too many worlds that i can't manage at the same time.. that one day mite come crashing down on me and the weight will be too much for me to take. i can't keep up with myself at times, if tt makes any sense at all. too many things that i have to do, want to do... too many people i wanna be with, wanna talk to, wanna love.
jay zhou has a wonderful knack for writing ballads. with songs, the thing that strikes u most is the tune. doesn't mean tt words dun matter for stupid lyrics just ruin the song. but a wonderful melody goes a long way. if only he would stop rapping...

this i can now see and say - if few women have suffered as i did in his loss, few have enjoyed what i did in his love. it was a far better kind of love than common; i had no doubts about it or him: it was such a love as honoured, protected, and elevated, no less than it gladdened her to whom it was given.
Villette, Charlotte Bronte

found my contact lenses! hooray... but i realised wat a mess i live in. ha. it was on my table, can u believe it? in the pile of notes, worksheets, magz, and wat nots... luckily, i din go order another pair. i realli must tidy up abit. miss the fourkers. we have so much fun together. well, the less the time we spend together, the more i treasure it so maybe it aint all tt bad. i wanna play tennis again... bought a racket... remember? so happy... can go and do more stuff cos dun have to waste 200 bucks on contacts! hahaha... i'm so glad with myself for finally deciding to do some cleaning up. realised i have tons of notes to read for hist essay. meaning i prob have to stay home tmr to start and finish it. spent a whole day on sat during pw. quite happy though cos i actually did something (though some ppl in my grp will contend tt). well... better go back to my reading of notes. isn't cavour a nice name?

oh forgot to say tt i went to visit my fren who just patched up a hole in his lung. heh. can't see much now... except 3 plasters which cover up the memories of his ordeal. was great fun just hanging out with him and my couz. hmm... not much to say. lol.

you and me always... and forever.

i realised that i realli am damn forgetful. think i've lost my contact lenses. bleah. ttz like 200 bucks wasted cos i use permanent. hmm... lxg. was kinda cool. haven't watched a movie in awhile so... + i was deciding between that and down with love so i had to justify my decision. heh. i can fool myself to think watever i wanna think, i think. make sense? mars is just a teeny weeny red dot but looking at it just makes me feel so... i dunno. reminds me of god's creations... reminds me of how minute i am... makes me think of u...

i only see one star up there, and i wish it were u. so i can look at it every nite.

finally bought myself a new jacket. seriously hope i dun lose it. thing is, with me i lose my like one possession every week or something lidat. itz quite bad. have lost 3 phones in 1+ year? the joke in my church is that i mite lose my girlfren. no way, man. if i even get one that is. today was quite fun. eye-opener at the subourdinate courts. will i see myself there in the future? i seriously do not know. i thot i wanted to... but i'm not sure now. maybe journalism is more suited to me... magazine articles and stuff. an avenue for my expression. i shud think more bout such stuff. and yes, i need to start mugging. finally all my mother's persuasion has worked, or rather, a gd frenz word of advice. if i put in the effort, i can do it. no harm in trying rite?

i'm in a blogging craze after reading so many blogs alreadi. someone else knows the word, serendipity! ha! oops... my fav show, quite sparse there. sometimes i wonder inevitably i suppose, if the things i do are genuinely for others, or just myself. guess u never realli can know, can u? cos itz more like a scale rather than black and white (even then itz a scale, oops), and every time itz diff so... hmm. i think i better stop typing anything... quite high for some inexplicable reason.

this has to be the first time i'm writing bout villa. woohoo! thank god that doug ellis finally brought in a gd manager in o'leary. even though the match against liverpool could've gone either way, i was mighty pleased (very rollason there) with villa's play. oh yeah, for those of u who dun know, i support an english soccer team called aston villa. yeah, ttz the same league as man utd, who once had david beckham. lol. haven't been so excited bout villa's play in a long, long time. haven't blogged in a long time too. was actually doing work last week, quite amazed with myself bout tt. the week has started and i have to do more work. sighz. looking forward to the long weekend though! whew!
josh: lucky idiot! pon sch for 1-2 weeks with legitimate reason somemore... heh. hope it doesn't hurt so bad now. take care bro.

Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. ... Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

i love you more than life

when friends and family fail, God doesn't. when live seems to have no meaning, in God there is. when i get weary, u restore me.

if i had wings i would fly
cos all that i need you are
and if the world caved in around me
to you i'd still hold on
cos you're all that i believe
and the one that created me
Jesus because of you
i'm free

i'm free

sometimes i wish i din care so much so that it wouldn't piss me off when ppl do selfish, insensitive things. y? cos the whole world seems to think tt ppl are selfish, put on a mask half the time and are judgemental. i dun believe so but it seems like i'm fighting a losing battle. everyone's making me believe that i'm living in some screwed up world of my own and i'm just fooling myself. watever. talked with a fren with whom i was best frenz in p5. we prob din know it then, but we have tons in common and itz always been great talking to u. we have lotsa fun and all but we can have our serious conversations too. i have a 'serious' side too u know. but, in the end, i'm not gonna stop giving just cos the world's taking, stop listening cos the world's talking. i'm gonna do wat i'm gonna do and u can't do anything bout it. can u?

feel quite satisfied with myself the past few days. been painting the childcare centre (whoever lives near bukit batok west blk 211 go see!), done some hw (ohmigosh, yes its true), playing cm (been a long long time), and just on the whole, enjoying myself. ballroom dancing was quite fun (amazingly) and i'm not as mean as ppl take me to be lah. i can't believe the stupid bits and pieces lady guessed i was my frenz' didi... wth.

a fren commented:"with me, itz only frenz." is it?

It is difficult to fathom what lies beyond the mask that people maintain somehow, that we know not whether to believe in the mask or search further within to find out if the interior befits the exterior, or if everything is just a pretense, a facade. I find it inexplicably impossible to choose between trusting my instincts and trusting my eyes, because both simply possess their own limitations -- perhaps to figure a way to trust both at the same time if we want to grasp the truth, or what we deem as closest to the truth.


taken off a frenz blog and itz so true. sometimes, u realli can't tell bout ur ownself much less other pplz masks. maybe people have different facets of themselves and they manifest at different times, or maybe its just my naivete to believe so.

ignorance is bliss (aren't i blissful)

sometimes

i wish life were black and white (but it ain't)
i wish u would talk to me (but u wun)
i wish u could take my hurt, sadness and anger (but ur not supposed to)
i wish u would call (but ur not there)
i wish u would lend a listening ear (u always do)
i wish u would miss me the way i miss u (u always have)
i wish u would tell me wat to do when the going gets tough (u always let the tough get going)
i wish u would love me (i know u do)


I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
Wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
Wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take my pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray,and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

tyr

today started with a hi,
and ended on a high.
the laughter shared,
tears that shed,
told a story of u, sad.
changed, it has,
from today onwards.
to look on life,
not as a coward.
paths crossed not once,
not twice, but forever;
were urs, were mine,
are ours together.
i'll never forget this day,
with u, yes, u,
every single u,
and all i have to say,
is 'unforgettable you'.

have u ever read ur own blog? well, i have and i think it's great cos it gives a great perspective of urself u mite not have known/realised. lotsa plans over the next 2 days and still dunno wat i'll end up doing. we'll see... i resolve to change. i dun wanna disappoint myself so much anymore even though its so easy too. dun wanna divulge into details cos... just dun wanna.

i wished for things that i don't need (all i wanted)
... oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah
stranger than your sympathy
... and now my head's been filled with doubt

i'm quite delirious! lol... today was chao fun... even though we lost 2-11 i got past the pissed off mood by the 4th goal i think... heh. and guess wat? i scored! it was just like in my dreams... time's running out... i'm in the box... the cross comes in and the goal goes in just as the whistle blows for fulltime! heh... beautiful own goal there off my foot. i was crazily hyper after tt and i was smiling all the way to the bus stop, on the bus and so on... ppl on the bus looked at me as if i was crazed. lol. i mite've been. ifg's damn fun... wish it'll never end.

man is proud. man is always afraid to admit he is wrong. man resists learning. man doesn't understand the inner workings of another man though the other isn't much different from himself. man is confused, most of the time. man wants companions but man can't deal with companions. man is selfish but man wants to share.

i'll continue my 'man' comments another time. and btw, for all u feminists out there, man refers to both female and male human beings. *doh* inter-personal relationships are always tricky. guess i shud step out of my bubble once in awhile to survey the wreckage. but i'll nvr accept the opinion tt ppl are evil/superficial/yadayadaya cos i believe tt ppl are born gd. call me watever u want. i dun care.

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh -- Even
worse when you make me cry

I hate it that you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not
any at all

sometimes, or rather most of the time, we go through life without any real purpose. as if we were in some kinda dark forest/swamp, trying to figure our way around just by reaching forward and just walking.
hmmz... just wanted to say tt. dunno wat else i shud/want to say bout tt. ifg was fun again as usual. kemmy is a shen! and so is mengxin! realli admire athletic girls... damn pro. got lotsa work to do so... nite. (to u tt is)

i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive

damn bloody tired. just wanna go sleep. had NAPFA retest (which i only have myself to blame for), then ifg. ifg was fun as usual. even though we're prob going to not win anything, i think arts rox. at least the ppl who participate. can feel us knowing each other better alreadi. and yes, learnt alot bout netball today. learnt tt i must pass chest-high balls, and not too hard at girls. thx dawn for tt. =P lotsa work to do. thinking bout sleeping and doing it later. dunno. i just wanna sleep... and have a neverending dream. of happy things and happy scenes.

finally got my comp back... though my mum (who's a know-it-all in her opinion) thinks its cos i din activate Windows or watever, i know itz cos of kazaa. dling all those movies and songs... lol. being sick is gd/bad like most other things. gd cos i get to miss sch and stuff and bad cos itz bloody irritating. always sniffing, clearing my throat, coughing... just saps up all my energy and my mood too.
talked to a knowledgeable fren on sat and realised tt i'm kinda confused. in the sense that i dun even know wat i want or y i'm doing wat i'm doing, or y i'm in such a horrid/gay (happy, not homosexual... doh) mood. haven't gone into one of those reflective moods (which i so badly need) in a long time. it just comes... dunno how to get there.

in this moment of worship
let my heart be true
to desire only you
you who captivate my heart

today had interfac games... and then went to meet up with old class and ex-form teachers. was kinda cool... got a little pissed with myself during the 1st game but tt was cos i was playing crap. luckily, i lightened up for the next 2 games cos i realised itz all bout having fun. and go to hell m*****, u have no rite to judge me cos u dun even know me. now i realise why ppl hate him so much. he thinks he's damn cool and everything but he just talks thru his ass. as if he had no brain, which i dun think he does. well, enough being pissy, dinner was nice. catching up with ppl. hmm... itz easy to say tt i dun give a damn bout girls, but obviously i do. (i'm not a chris). but there's nobody to think/care bout now. sighz. k... i sound damn despo. watever.

if it happens, it happens.

i nearly lost my bag today.. twice. i have this habit of putting it on some table/chair nearby and conveniently walking off when i'm done and forgetting that i was carrying anything when i arrived. i've lost 3 nokia 8250s... countless wallets and bags (amazing isn't it)... shoes... u name it, i've probably lost it b4. but on the bright side, my frenz and i made a fool of ourselves at the bk at changi airport. due to my inability to shoot ice, i got bombarded by 3 ppl. thus, i decided to pour the whole cup of ice onto somebody. bad idea. the bloody idiot being way taller and way stronger than me, caught my head between his legs, pulled my shirt open, and poured his cup of ice down my back... except tt his cup still had some water in it. complete fools in front of complete strangers. my life story.

i have nothing against hard rock bands. i acknowledge that some of them might have great guitar skills... but so wat, i dun like the music. bleah. it just sounds like... noise to me. and i'll prob get a semi-acoustic guitar if i get a guit cos electric's just not my gig. i love u charmian! oops... sounds a bit... off. but man and boy... is great so far. although i've only read halfway, i finally understand that great writers need to know their material before they write bout it. u can't just write bout space travel without knowing nuts bout spaceships. parousia is a nice local band. my kinda music. go listen if ur interested.

standing on the sullen roof terrace on the esplanade staring at the sparse stars in the lonely skies, i wondered 'where are u?'

i shud stop suanning. hmm. yes. sparstic post. hmmz. yes.

guyz... i'm getting sick and tired. of trying to organise stuff and nobody (or the same few) turning up. of trying to keep the everlasting memory of the gd years which were sec 3 and 4. of making the effort to go down to such stuff. yes, i know its at my house so its more convenient for me. but i'm more than willing to go anywhere just for u guyz, hope u know tt. itz bloody pissing off to hear all the valid/non-valid excuses. there comes a pt when u forget the validity of it, and just focus on the 'where the f' are u part. yeah... so u mite have ccas/new frenz/girlfrenz/watever... big deal. not as if i dun have those, except the girlfren part of cos. sighz, i dun wanna say anymore. i mite not even wanna do anymore. hopefully, this will make u guyz think bout it. and yes, if u read this, show/tell it to somebody else who shud read it. bloody gays.

hmm... let me clarify something. yes, i did write that my perfect girl would be someone who was taller than me so i wouldn't lian lei my children. the context of that was that i remembered when i was younger (prob 12?) and i was pissed that i was short cos ppl kept teasing me bout it (as they still do). then, i would still once in awhile, wish i were tall so i wouldn't have to go through the same 'torture' everyday. but looking at my parents, i knew tt i would prob stay short my entire life. thus, i told myself then and there that i would marry someone taller than me so my children will have a higher chance of being tall. YES, it is dumb and i know that. and dun worry, i tease myself all the time bout being short so of cos i'm fine with it. dunno y i wrote it as one of my criteria too. just ignore it k? yupz.

it's been ages since i last posted anything and i've kinda gathered that more than a handful of people read this so hopefully the long gap in between posts will put people off. hmmz... actually dun have much to say this time except that i'm quite stoked (rite usage?) with my new comp and my maths grade. lol. B. i was actually hoping for an A but after knowing a few questions that i screwed up, i knew it was impossible. but am still quite glad for my grade cos it's all by God's grace. yup, all u non-christians out there. do wat u always do. hmmz. my mother has made me an apathetic, two-faced person. dun wanna go into details. sighz.

everything's changing...

dear fren, sorry this is so damn late. i'm pissed with myself for that particular reason. i'm pissed that i haven't been there for u at times when u needed me. i'm pissed that life's treating u so bad. but life's like that. the chinese said it best when they said u must enjoy the sour, sweet, bitter, and hot (bad translation). i guess for me, thats wat i want. i'm not afraid of disappointment because if i dun take risks, i might not get happiness. and not even u can protect urself completely from shitty old life, cos certain times, life just throws us a curveball. and for those times tt ppl can protect u, let them. cos it feels so much better. settling for something when u know u can get better is not something i would do. but then, how will u know wat u can get? who knows. u either have to reconcile urself with the times u know u will get pissed, or initiate a change that might hopefully make u happier. but u already know that.
if someone had told me in p6, that i would get such a special fren as u, i would've dismissed them. but i have, and i know that for years to come, u'll stay that very special fren in my life. i pray that watever decision u make, watever route u take, u will be contented.
love, amos.

was planning on blogging later in the morning but i'm afraid something's mite be forgotten. just came back from korea and the place is beautiful in many ways. go there and experience it for yourself if you can. most of all, the people are so... sensitive, warm, basically, better than the average singaporean. i felt tt the moment i came into contact with singaporeans i did not know on the plane. ewww.
on the bright side of the plane trip, how to lose a guy in 10 days, followed by ruben singing flying without wings and the sunset in the clouds was marvellous. how i wish 'u' were there.

everybody's looking for that something
one thing that makes it all complete
you'll find it in the strangest places
places you never knew could exist

8 hours of sleep for 2 days... ouch. slept at 4 and 830 am on consecutive days. but ttz not the pt. the pt is tt i was severely disappointed and disgusted with myself. firstly, i was 90 mins late for a meeting which almost never happens to me. yes, its true. there was a time when punctuality was synonymous with me. now, tardiness has set in and the blame's all on myself. i hate it. but i couldn't be bothered to do anything bout it. then, it got worse. had an overdose of fun with fourkers on sat and said lotsa dumb stuff. not saying tt it wasn't true but i overdid it and i knew it. but i let the mood and situation take control and my mouth just blabbered. wat made it so bad was tt i wasn't only embarrassing myself, i was embarrassing the girl too even though she wasn't there. sorry, *******. i need to apologise for my horrendous behaviour. i was making a joke out of something tt din matter. and i missed church cos i overslept. wat makes me so pissed at myself is because i know i'm better than wat i currently am. i'm just not trying enough. hopefully, this will cause me to change myself.

sorry, is all that I can say
years gone by, and still
words don't come easily

overdue entry here. watched bowling for columbine on fri with class. wat a wonderful show which could be a little boring for those who did not see the meaning behind it. at first, it seemed that there was no link between the description of racial segregation, history, lax laws, and media, it was all well rounded up by the interview of charles heston. wat irony that it was charles heston who acted as moses in the mammoth ten commandments years ago for it seemed that he was making his own commandments while trying to explain acts of madness with pathetic excuses. when pushed to the brink, he 'calmly' walked off, ignoring the pleas to take a look at the young 6 year old girl who had been killed by a fellow 6 year old. that incident itself sparked racial tensions because of its circumstances but going into it will be long-winded and ineffective. y i'm saying all this was because when the movie ended all i felt was anger. anger at the idiots in america who are unknowingly causing all of this, the stupid media. at all the hurt and suffering the blacks have to endure in america when others all around the world celebrate life with everybody. i was so pissed that i just kept silent while walking to fish and co. sighz. life's unfair, we all know that and hopefully accept that. but ttz not the way itz supposed to be, at least i feel so. like mr. reeves's said, in the past everyone believed that equality in society was the best, the norm. now, everyone thinks otherwise. the poor remain poor, the rich rich. the smart outdo the dumb and couldn't be bothered otherwise. one day, perhaps things will reverse again. hopefully, but unlikely, for humanity has morphed into a selfish, jealous, angry being.

was just thinking that my background looks realli... young. lol. but i'm fine with it... for the moment at least. feel kinda gd bout sch and stuff cos even though its still irritating and long-drawn at times, there are so many things to perk up ur day. i remembered for the first time today in a long while of how nice and fun the nanyang ppl are. have lost contact with so many of them. and i'm doing my work. hooray. though not today, how ironic. cos today's a rest day. lol. itz kinda late and i need my rest. so... rest. =)

baby, there's something about you girl.

was just reflecting on wat i wrote early in the morning 2 days ago... yesterday actually... hmm. abit blabbering but kinda wat i feel. guess early in the morning when the brain is tired is the best time to reflect. my jie wrote me a beautiful letter today. the english wasn't perfect, cancellations were there and the words weren't superfluous. but she meant everything she said with all her heart and it was so true. so apt at a time like this. i miss writing letters to ppl that matter to me. i shall start writing them soon.

decided to post another thought... was actually considering making a better website but then i remembered, wat was my purpose for having this? not to tell the world things and to communicate with them. but for an avenue for those things i never say enough to come out. so abandon tt thought... never tell me if u read my blog cos itz between u and well, kinda me. if we wanna talk bout anything, we will. trust me.
love. it doesn't have to be boy-girl. it can be so strong it hurts. today, the love for rugby drove ppl to tears. i can't say tt i feel wat certain ppl felt cos i've never played and lost such an important match. but i have, been in the team, done nothing in an important match we lost. the feeling of uselessness is overwhelming. trust me. i've felt it more than once. but u pick urself up, eventually. and u grow. to avoid tt same feeling again. the cycle might repeat but one day, u'll have grown... enough.

2 whole weeks... realli sorry to all those ppl who actually read this. lol. is there anyone out there? i have no tagboard so u have to hope i read ur blog or something. life.. is it better carefree or worrying bout every nitty gritty detail? wat our the priorities? fun? work? love? sighz... phases... we all enter different phases in life and subphases... i hate my current subphase. prob one day, hopefully tmr i can articulate my thoughts better and actually say something which makes sense.
nite.

sporadic updating nowadays, sorry to whoever reads this. girls... u can't run from them but u can't keep up with them. there's always eye candy around which is nice to see but impossible to get. u know wat i mean if ur a guy. but well, when ur trying to not think bout girls, u always seem to look at the eye candy a lil too much, cos u have nothing to get ur mind off. today and yest were fruitless but fun. how most of my days are actually so. yeah. realised tt any stranger who reads my blog and doesn't realli know me will think tt i'm damn slack and lotsa things. who cares? lol.

had a nice chat today with a fren of many years. hopefully, we'll have more of those nice chats. napfa's coming up and i have to do a certain number of chinups which i can't do now. hmm... gotta train. we drew against meridien. disappointing but well... sighz. i vowed to myself tt i would train my fitness and speed and ball skills for next year. i hope i can live up to it. itz only a year.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

it's been awhile, quite a long while i know. well, my stomach's finally settled. just a little sore nowadays but it'll be fine (it better be). lotsa things to say so i'll try to make it quick. while i was sick and hurting badly for bout 4 days (the nites were worse), i got to appreciate my parents. they were always there for me to say the least and i feel ashamed of myself at times for behaving the way i do. not tt this is gonna make me drastically change overnite, but i'll try. soccer com is underway and we've had 2 respectable results against vj and sa. 0-0 which was kinda lucky and 1-1 which could've gone either way respectively. i'm not getting to play but i'm not arguing cos being with the team and gaining experience is more than i can bargain for. thanks guyz. it'll only prepare me for next year.
went to mezza9 at hyatt to eat yesterday nite. the food wasn't superb but the ambience sure was. gonna bring tt special someone there... someday.

excruciating. i can't take it soon. i feel so tired, even though i sleep like a pig. pale as a chicken, lifeless like a dead fish. sighz. and i still dunno watz wrong. nobody does it seems. the doctors have tried everything, short of cutting my stomach up. think they might have to do tt soon. to everyone who reads this, please pray to watever God u might know. hopefully its the same one as mine.

think i have stomach flu, ouch. stomach growls every 2 mins as if i did something wrong. stupid stomach. i got into the team! hooray! was so excited when renji called me and told me. hoped tt me being sick wouldn't affect my chances and apparently it din so hooray. yay... though i won't get to play much (if at all), being in means alot.

watched the SHE and power station (dong li huo che) concert on sat. it was great cos we were so close to the stage and the audience was so much better. helped tt SHE were so pretty (as usual) and power station realli rocked the house and sang beautiful. the team will be announced on wed. gd luck to everybody who's hoping to get in, which is everybody of cos (lol).


I will never try to break your heart. -Power Station

sick... nobody likes to be sick, except when it's on a sch day. lol. but it's not. sighz. hate getting angry at frenz for no reason. it just happens. soccer, church, studies... man, ttz alot. luckily i dun have an added 'girl' to distract me. not tt i dun want the distraction. but let's not talk bout tt again. somebody said my previous entry was depressing, or sounded so. realli? well, it wasn't meant to be. it was meant to be heartwarming and touching. guess i adapted it too much. lotsa ppl to vote for in student council. hope tt those who realli want it and deserve it, get it. some ppl just want it for the wrong reasons and yet, they still get it. but life's unfair. nobody said it wasn't.

I want to live bravely, and love without fear. -Jewel

dear fren (general and specific), i dun want to be the sun in your life, i would rather be the moon. that's because everyone wants to be the sun, but when the sun goes down, the moon's still around. even when the sun is up, so is the moon. he's just hidden and waiting for the appropiate time. let me be ur moon.

feel great today! went for training since... ages ago. feel so unfit but so fun running and running and running. not enough running though. feeling a ball again is like, getting married again. =) lol. like they say, ur ball's like ur wife. though i seriously doubt it. campaigning has started! gd luck yun, em, michelle, yingheng, anyone i know and like (mostly bout... everyone) who's running... been talking alot bout running today. heh. i'm blabbering now. think its prob the 1st time. something's wrong. lol.
[bran: yo bro! do u read this? heh... using this bracket thingy just for u. talk to ya when free man! and dun worry bout josh's bdae... i forgot bout it too. lol]

when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

life is all bout phases. the music we listen to, the habits we get into, the qualities we look for. sometimes, it's bout maturing. at least tt's wat people think. but who deems wat is mature? only god prob can, and he didn't. but that's a sidetrack. what phase am i in now? the sick of internet phase (icq and blogging are kinda... meaningless), the alternative-rock phase (all english, hate chinese now, cept for... _._._) =P, and the love's realli a backseat... for now. but phases are phases... just waiting for the next spin of the wheel to see what i'll get. u never know, i never want to.

love isn't what you get, it's what you give.

school's back... getting into the groove again. tmr will be my 1st training in like 3 weeks so hopefully i'll be able to get into the groove of tt too. maybe i'll get into the team, maybe i won't. i'll be satisfied no matter what. just love being with the guyz. a fun, friendly (can't use nice cos it's too overused) bunch. Work's tough, it always is. thanks em for the wonderful email and yeah, most of the time, if not all, love is followed with madness but that's wat makes love so unique? i wouldn't know... yet. haven't gone there. sooner or later... it doesn't matter.

There are three things that will last. Faith, hope and love. But out of these, love is the greatest of all.

just re-watched serendipity. thanks jo. sometimes in life, u lose tt purpose, tt driving force which makes u go on and on without having to think. i did. for the past few days, life was a hassle. even though i did "nothing" (productive-wise), i felt... like there was a burden on my shoulders. everything i did, from chatting with someone i've always wanted to chat with, to playing tennis, just felt wrong. a low point which i cannot explain. that's when u go back to what gives u meaning. for some, it's work, for others, nature. for me, love. and serendipity captured it all wonderfully (that's why it's my fav. film... doh). it represents everything that i feel and need at some point in life. love without regret, that particular soulmate which u can never forget, never let go.

she's out there, i just haven't found her yet.

heard tt quite a few ppl have me as their link... meaning more ppl (i think) are gonna read this... blabber. so i should blabber more often. :) my interview's on wed. am i worried? not yet. should i? prob... cos i dun have great recommendations nor great results. only thing tt can prob save me is my oratorical skills... my saving grace.

confusion's only a state of mind u allow urself into. if u try hard enough, u won't get there.

been bout 3 days since i've updated. life's been pretty normal since then. play and sleep. no work. been awhile since i've been doing this. hope i'll be able to adjust back to work cos i'll be screwed otherwise. gotta start doing some work b4 tt though. some things in life, u dun wanna do, u noe u have to, and yet u resist. itz an endless struggle.

got some work done today... cleaning up my room tt is. always knew wat a pigsty i lived it, but didn't know it was this bad! lolz. sometimes, u so wanna get a companion and sometimes, u appreciate singlehood. decisions are never easy. my sentences are like a stream of thot. as they enter my brain, i type them out. itz getting late.

aimlessness is bad. my parents have been telling me tt and i can feel it too. but at the same time, the fun is realli enjoyable (is fun ever anything else?) gotta do some work soon or analyse some poetry to make me feel more at ease. dunno why but understanding a poem makes me feel... so much better. another thing makes me feel much better. sleep. nite.

4th in 4 days. just married. no-brainer show to watch with ur loved one. i didn't have one. getting over the sadness of not having one... soon.

dear fren, thx for all the time we've been together. even when we dun talk for months, i can still feel ur presence. we talk about anything and everything, i can even remember how many kids u want. =) i wish u all the best in what u do. i just pray tt we'll be there for each other whenever we need to. but i know, i know tt we will. we just seem to have tt chemistry. u've probably been having confusing thoughts over the past week or so. well, i've had them for years. just remember, tt no matter wat, we'll always remain frenz, forever there when we need each other.

tt was addressed to a specific person, only she will know.

watched my 3rd movie in 3 days. adaptation. i think for me it was kinda like an in-between of tears of the sun and the hours. ttz y i didn't like it as much probably. cos it didn't attempt to grab me either way. sighz. i feel like a bastard. itz so fun and easy to suan ppl but itz so wrong at times. sorry 'u-noe-who'. yeah.

no sch till 6th april... hmm. more time for me to slack. the more time u slack, the less u wanna get back into it. caught the hours today. wasn't too bad. a show which makes u think which is gd and bad depending on how u look at it. but wat i liked bout the hours was tt it talked bout wat i've been thinking bout for the past couple of weeks. life. live it. dun regret it.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
Edmund Burke

tears of the sun is gd, dunno why josh said it isn't. maybe cos itz my kind of movie. it has action sequences but most importantly, itz touching. sighz. i'm easily moved. i can just envision myself forgiving my gf for cheating on me because she's crying. i'm weak or watever u call it. alot of ppl have alot of opinions on 2nd intake. i don't think it matters much. if we meet, we might interact. if not, so be it. those leaving the sch, sad if u are my fren but wat can we do? life's about parting and meeting new people. most important lesson: enjoy the time u currently have with anyone u like. when itz time to miss, there's nothing to be done.

hey guyz, just came back from kl today. had a real fun trip, the j2s are a crazy bunch of ppl and they're so nice. got to know a few of the j1s better. hope renji's not too pissed but itz all part of the trip man. wth... i kena also wat and so did jas. but itz ok. i'm sure he'll cool. ate so much junk my throat's feeling like sandpaper. bought some nice tees and a board short! woohoo. didn't do any studying but nobody did much work so... haha. u get the pic.

slacking is bad for ur health. i realli think so. slacked at home the whole day today and caught a minor fever. i think. my mother keeps threatening to cut the cable tv. sighz. hope she doesn't. i'm off to kl tmr... all the way till sat. will miss u guyz, u noe who. i realised i haven't found my aim yet. hope to find it in kl. (btw, i'm talking bout life... not girls... found tt one alreadi =P)

busy... even during the holidays i'm busy. is that bad? i need time to rest, to analyse things, find my path, know where i wanna go. too often, we rush through life, living for the moment, with no true purpose, no true direction. sometimes, we need direction. i need some soon.

today's class bbq was nice guyz. thx alot. got to just sit in the atmosphere and enjoy each others company. it was amazing. realised tt kenneth is rather gd at the guitar too. beginning to like my clas smore and more. hope jo is too. keep this up guyz.

one thing's that essential for a guy. knowing how to be sweet to your gf. or female frenz for tt matter of fact. dun say the truth if it hurts. show concern when they're sad or angry. give them nice stuff once in awhile. have meaningful conversations once in awhile, depending on the closeness.

fun fun expensive day today. i treated josh and weiyang to fish and co. heh. dunno why i felt so generous today. maybe itz god. =) then we had a rather gd talk with jon at dome and i played pool below my house for awhile b4 reaching home at 12. heh. i'm becoming a bad boy. ouch. the itch to play is coming again. i might sneak down... argh. lotsa activities coming up these few days. take care all. *if at all there's anyone out there*

today was a gd day. had a worship with my classmates (6 of us) and it was beautiful. worshipping god makes everything go away. all the hurt and pain. all the disappointment and stress. thank you god. i've been missing you.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
where there is hatred... let me sow love
where there is injury... pardon
where there is doubt... faith
where there is despair... hope
where there is darkness... light
where there is sadness... joy
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled... as to console
to be understood... as to understand
to be loved... as to love

may u remember this prayer in times of need. for many a time, it has helped me.

aimless... life's getting aimless. i mean school and soccer and church's all fine. but wat is life if u can't enjoy once in awhile? take a breather and smell the roses. i haven't done tt in awhile. not with anyone in particular at least. sighz. will u be the one?

is our class really that bad? maybe not... maybe we're just settling down from all the hype and the usual cliques will appear. doesn't tt always happen? will 1A01D still be so 'happening' a month from now? there's more to life than getting jealous of other ppl's lives and wishing u had watever they had... life's bout treasuring what u have. nothing's truly ever black or white. itz how u look at it. if u concentrate on how life could improve, u'll never be satisfied. rather, aim for something u know u can and definitely want to achieve, and get it. ttz when true satisfaction appears. ignore other ppl, they're not living UR life.

once in awhile, i know why i do the things that i do. today, i realised why i take lit as a subject. the satisfaction when u understand a poem to its fullest (maybe not, but enough of it) is indescribable. i guess that's why i was always better in the humanities than the sciences, because i always had more interest in the humans. when u have more interest in something, u tend to do more bout it. like for example, a girl, if u like a girl enough to go woo her, tt means something. thus, it means something tt i'm not wooing anyone. i dun like anyone enough. hopefully, i will at the rite time. itz late... very late. nite.

decided to go for soccer today instead of cell... feel a little guilty bout it but at the same time, satisfied cos i played rather well. i can't help but feel helpless whenever i read someone else's blog and itz nostalgic/melancholic. i feel like i wanna do something cos tt person's my fren but i can't. i'm useless. i'm not there for my frenz when they cry. i say the wrong words. i'm never there.

u dun click with everyone u meet, not all ur frens' frens have to be urs too. but i always feel like crap whenever some 'nice' guy doesn't seem so nice to me. i think, maybe i'm not giving him a fair chance, or maybe i haven't seen his other side, or.. u know... anything. parting... parting's never easy. but i realised girls form frenships much easier and stronger than guyz do. we take time to build a strong relationship. bad? i dun think so... cos those bonds made are super-strong. i want more of those bonds in my life.

responsibility. is it just me or does is man born lazy? rhetorics... i love rhetorics. i love smallville cos i'm kinda like clark in terms of dealing with girls. yeah. i'll leave it at tt... too much explaining to do. today's a short entry. aren't u glad?

had a frenly match today against some indo-chinese. 8-0... i played like crap. sighz. i'm scared my place will be taken by kenneth. i mean i'll like wish him all the best and stuff but in the end, everyone wants to get into the team and get the nice jersey FOC regardless of frenship. haha... just remembered there's no such thing as IRregardless. haha... evans is damn funny. hopefully i can give the tutors a gd impression. i realli want this scholarship. eh bran... do u read this? absence makes the heart grow fonder. still rem tyr? i do... i miss him at times. esp when i meet sji ppl. hope xavier and jane are fine. sighz... i haven't done my duty. sorry tyr.

does anyone even read this blog? interesting thot... adil's back in rj. dunno whether to feel sad or happy. the same way i felt when he first left. itz like... should i be glad tt we have a better chance now or sad tt he's back to take his position and i'll have less chances. and vice versa. realised tt i dunno much general knowledge and that i better read up more... if i wanna do well in this programme. (ttz if i even get it in the 1st place). my headphones hurt a little.. but i guess itz all about adaptation... humans are weird. u can never... NEVER guess what a person's feeling at anytime. just a thot...

catch me if u can was nice, if not unspectacular. wasn't boring, but not surprising either. finally got my headphones... phew. no longer have to use half-broken ones. wonder who got 1st in the Os... hope its us. not tt i realli care much, but to prove all those who discredited out batch wrong. essays... they suck. horrible long thingys which ppl feel the need for quantity more than quality. i never had the quantity... always console myself with the thot tt i might have the quality. =P

didn't go to sch today... got a bump on forehead, scrapes on knee and elbow and wrist hurts again. but it aint so bad... hopefully. might go catch 'catch me if u can' today with my church frenz. heard itz nice. it better be. will be my 1st movie in months. well, gtg sleep again. *pig*

hi... well... this is amos' blog. dun even know wat blog means. =P wat am i doing? heh. well, i realised that i needed an avenue to release my anger and this became it. in time, u'll find out more bout me... wonder who'll be the first to find out bout this site. hope it doesn't spread around too much.

On earth, there is no heaven, only pieces of it.
I found one piece of heaven. it was you.
But that piece of heaven, was called to heaven
and left me alone wishing for a safe haven.
For I could find no other
piece of heaven like you.

(to tyrone... deceased 2001)